


Goldilocks & the three shitty singers (and the one that sounded like a mixture of Fergie & Jesus)

by PornyZiallFeels



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Goldilocks and the Three Bears, M/M, could be au, crackfic, dumbest story title ever, maybe not, the boys all share a house
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-15
Updated: 2013-12-15
Packaged: 2018-01-04 18:29:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1084267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PornyZiallFeels/pseuds/PornyZiallFeels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <a href="http://s305.photobucket.com/user/SumoSandwich/media/goldie_zps59a08755.png.html"></a>
  <img/></p>
            </blockquote>





	Goldilocks & the three shitty singers (and the one that sounded like a mixture of Fergie & Jesus)

**Author's Note:**

> Someone prompted me with this and it was just so random I just had to try it, but it's terrible and complete crack fic. I won't even be offended if no one bothers to read this :/
> 
> I also apologize for the shitty title i love every member and their voices, but i kid you not my dad gave me that title when i asked him what to title "a 1d version of goldilocks" (he's a louis fan so he meant lou as the 1 that sings like fergie & jesus but i changed it for obvs reasons)

Niall Horan blinked his eyes open, squinting slightly as he found himself staring directly up at the sun. He moved to sit up, wincing at the tender ache in the back of his head and arse. Glancing around him he realized he’d been lying flat on his back in the middle of some random driveway, how strange and he wasn’t kidding about his bum being tender. He slowly rose to his feet, slipping slightly on what must’ve been black ice and rubbed at his poor wounded cheeks.

 

He shivered then, wondering how long he’d been lying there in this frigid weather and reckoned long enough for all twenty of his fingers and toes to have gone slightly numb. Bringing his hands up to his mouth he tried futilely to warm them with his breath but it seemed even his internal temperature had dropped in the time he’d been out.

 

He slowly made his way up to the door, he gave the bright red door a hearty knock hoping that he could get some answers as to why he’d chosen this particular driveway to kip in or at the very least bum a cuppa off the owners of the flat to warm up a bit. He heard nothing, no footfalls coming down the stairs no voice assuring him that they were on their way, nothing. Niall began to hop in place in an attempt to warm up; on a whim he tried the knob and was shocked when it turned easily in his hand.

 

He peeked his head in, debating whether to face the cold or enter and possibly face a little jail time for trespassing, as he thought this a biting gust of wind licked up his back effectively making the decision for him and he practically tore the door open the rest of the way and rushed inside closing it behind him.

 

Inside the flat is cozy looking and neat save for the pair of scuffed Toms haphazardly kicked in two different directions or the stray banana peel left on the kitchen counter. Not to mention the open dvd cases left lying about on the coffee table in the sitting room beside all that the house was quite tidy.

 

“Hello?” He called out into the room, hearing his own voice echo back slightly in the empty room.

 

“Anyone in?” He tried again as he moved further into the house, careful not to touch anything. Again he got no response, so he shrugged.

 

Turning back toward the kitchen just in time for his stomach to grumble to life he entered the room and went straight for the refrigerator hoping the owners of the house wouldn’t mind him sneaking a quick snack at their expense because there really was no telling how long he’d been lying out there in the driveway—because he was bout near starving.

 

Pulling the fridge door open he peered inside, spying four lunch sacks without labels but varying in color so Niall figured that’s how the owners differentiated between them. Grabbing the first sack, a red one he opened the velcro snap at the top and took a look inside and found a few slices of pizza with everything on it including _anchovies_ and turned his nose up at it, reclosing the sack and putting it back into the fridge. He grabbed up the next sack, this one purple and peeked inside only to wrinkle his nose at the veggie burger he found inside, which was bad enough on its own but there weren’t even any chips to go along with the bloody abomination that had the nerve to call itself a burger instead he found a small pile of carrot sticks and that was enough to make the blonde reclose the sack and all but throw it back onto its shelf, feeling personally offended.

 

He reached for the third sack with a bit of caution given the last two and opened the orange bag to find a fruit salad, 2 bananas and a soft taco.  He eyed the taco with faint interest but in the end he snapped the Velcro top closed once more and pouted as he returned it to its rightful spot. His stomach growled again, loudly as he stretched his arm towards the blue sack, eyeing it with much trepidation, not expecting to find anything actually edible given the last three, if nothing else he supposed he’d have to make do with the single taco. But to his shock and pleasure he opened the final sack to find around six samosas and thank the lord a near basket of peri peri chips. He happily closed the fridge with the blue sack still in hand and approached the cupboards in search of a plate. He found one on the second try and dumped the sacks contents onto it before popping it into the microwave.

 

When it finally dinged and he took the plate out again his mouth literally began to water at the intoxicating aroma coming off the samosas in droves. Taking his first bite of one he couldn’t help but moan out loud because they were simply heavenly with just the right amount of heat, he quickly finished up that first one and another before he made for the chips. Popping a few into his mouth he had to clutch the edge of the counter to keep from falling over as his knees nearly buckled because they were downright amazing.

 

“That’s the craic!” He moaned out and went to town on the rest of the chips. Sooner than he’d liked the plate was empty so he dropped it into the sink and patting his now sated tummy moved into the sitting area to watch a bit of telly while his food digested and to wait for the owners to return of course.

 

The first seat he saw could only be described as a gaming chair that had so many wires and contraptions hanging off it and poking out of it there didn’t even look like there would be any room for his bum, so he quickly bypassed it in favor of this huge overly stuffed recliner that nearly threatened to eat him up when he sat down into it. Clawing his way out of it he was sweaty and panting by the time he’d made onto his feet again and glared back at the monstrosity as he moved onto a fucking yoga mat? Really? There is no way he was getting down on that thing so he approached the final chair with a small smile when he noticed it was a bean bag chair that was big enough to seat two comfortably if you cuddled, he plopped down onto it and sighed out contentedly when he found it had just the right amount of stuffing inside it.

 

Once settled in he easily found the television remote on the coffee table and snatched it up. He wasn’t quite sure of the date or time so there was no telling if any of his favorite programs were on so he decided to hit the dvr button and see what kinds of shows the owners had saved for later viewing.

 

The first list was titled _BooBear_ and after snorting in amusement he found that it had mostly one tree hill reruns, pretty little liars, as well as countless other teen dramas that Niall tended to avoid so he exited out of that list and clicked on _Payno_ instead. There he found just about every superhero movie ever made as well as their cartoon spin offs, which wasn’t bad he’d just seen them all already and  wasn’t really in the mood to re-watch any of them so moving on to _Hazza’s_ list he almost couldn’t believe the amount of children’s shows on it. the Teletubbies, Blue’s clues and Pengu just to name a few but lower down the list he found a bit of trash TV like Here comes Honey Boo Boo and the Bachelor as well as various cooking shows.

 

None of which really peaked his interest so he clicked onto the final list that was simply titled: _ZAP_. _Ah, now this is more like_ it he couldn’t help but think as he browsed through quality shows like Criminal Minds, American Horror Story and Being Human. He also saw a few favorites of his Celebrity juice/X factor and way at the bottom he couldn’t help but chuckle as he saw Adventure time and decided to click on it to see what ol Finn and Jake would get up to this time.

 

 

After only a few episodes his eyes began to ache so he thumbed the TV off, stretching his arms up over his head he stood, and made his way over to the entertainment system by the window, namely the IPod charging dock that currently held four different iPods.

 

The first IPod was a bright green mini that just barely fit in his hands and he found it nearly impossible to work the tiny buttons with his hands but he managed and hit play and immediately had Katy Perry’s Firework blasting in his ears and nearly took them off with the headphones. Don’t get him wrong he loved KP most days but he could only take so much of that overplayed top 40 junk.

 

So he moved onto the sleek iPod touch and like the first one he wasn’t completely used to touch screen but he managed to find the play button and couldn’t stop his head from bobbing along to the Jay-z song, but quickly hit skip for the next track and this time it was Mr. Kanye West that bled through the ear buds in his ears again he knew and liked the song but you really needed to be in a Kanye mood in order to truly appreciate Yeesus himself so he swiped his finger across the screen to play the next random song and of course it was Whiz. Niall sighed and realized this person was big into rap and hip hop which he loved as much as the next lad but sometimes the constant bass gave him a headache which was close to being an issue at the present moment so, pulling the headphones from his ear, much gentler this time he lifted the neon pink iPod nano.

 

Only to find an entire music library filled with pretentious indie bands with names that either made absolutely no sense or he couldn’t even begin to try and pronounce…not that their sound and lyrics were bad though, in fact most of them were right catchy if he were being honest, but it just wasn’t his cuppa tea is the thing.

 

His last and final hope came in the form of a classic black iPod that he remembered owning himself at one point so he maneuvered it easily, finding the library and how to play the music with no problem and couldn’t help but sigh out in pleasure when Frank Ocean filled his ears. While he let that song play he scanned the rest of the library and found artists like Ne-yo, Bruno Mar, Chris Brown, Beyonce and even a little Bieber to change things up and keep them interesting. He honestly felt like he’d found his music soul mate.

 

He must’ve listened the entire Channel ORANGE album before his eyes began to droop so returning the iPod with the class music library back to the charging dock he made his way down the hall in search of a place to rest. The first door he finds has multiple warning signs on it like **caution: enter at** **your own risk** , **dead end** and **hazardous zone beyond this point**. Niall couldn’t help but roll his eyes and wonder if this room belonged to a child or what, but he turned the knob easily to enter anyway and found it to be a soccer themed bedroom.

 

There were tons of posters on the wall of famous footballers with the man himself Becks directly above the headboard as well as a duvet that was black and white checkered. There’s even a soccer ball on the floor so he grins, moving to kick it around for a bit but when he almost twists his ankle in doing so. He scowls down at the offensive ball and makes his way over to the bed, hopping in it instead and nearly jumps out of his skin as a whoopee cushion deflates from beneath his bum. Shaking his head he decided this is definitely not the bed for him to kip in and leaves the room with what little dignity he still has left.

 

The second room has a hulk doorknocker, shaking his head in amusement he uses it, but much like with the front door to the house he gets no answer so he grabs the knob and opens the door anyway. He is not surprised at all to find the room is decorated in all things superhero and its pretty cool, actually—the comic book wall paper especially is a rather nice touch but as he nears the quite comfy looking bed a low growl can suddenly be heard and he looks up to see the cutest little dog standing smack dab in the middle of the bed, body vibrating as he growled at him.

 

Niall grinned and started to approach the little guy whose batman signal shaped dog tag read: _Loki_ (talk about an epic name) but the closer he drew the louder the growls got and as he reached out a hand to pet the pup, Loki snapped his teeth at him and no amount of cooing noises seemed to calm him, so sighing in defeat Niall retreated back to the door and after sending the comfortable looking bed with ironman bedding one last glance he shut the door behind him.

 

The next room is kind of girly in Niall’s opinion, there's lit candles on every available surface which hello fire hazard and the room smells oddly of French toast but he figures that’s just an added bonus so he enters and nearly trips on a baby stoy which ok weird did this person have a kid or babysit a lot or what?  It would make sense with the programs that were saved on the dvr at least, finally he makes it to the bed and it look alright, checks for any whoopee cushions or plastic dog poo when he finds none he smiles and all but throws himself down on the bed only to yelp as the bed begins to move under him—literally he's rocking back and forth and it feels like the mattress is filled with pudding or something and he's beginning to get a little seasick. It takes him quite a few attempts at climbing off of the waterbed but eventually he succeeds and stomps his way to the door glaring over his shoulder at the bed of doom and this time nearly trips over a purple toddler’s scooter. He leaves that room with barely his life.

 

He approaches the last and final room way at the end of the hall with heavy limbs and even heavier eyelids, hoping against all hope that this will be the room for him. When he enters his eyes are immediately drawn to the original graffiti artwork on the walls which look sick but other than that the room looks pretty normal, it’s got a desk in one corner with a queen size bed in the middle of the room. There's a skateboard rack with about five boards on it all of which look custom made but coolest of all he spies a genuine black power ranger suit handing on the back of what looks like a closet door.

 

He makes his way over to it and can't resist but try it on, it’s a snug fit but he manages to close the zip and then walks over to the vanity mirror to check out his bum, _looking good_ he thinks and fights off yet another yawn, eyes drooping as they zero in on the final bed and praying with everything he has that this is the bed for him, he makes his way over to it and doesn't trip over baby toys or soccer balls along the way, and when he gets there there's no growling dog or prankster paraphernalia and when he tests the mattress it doesn't move...yeah buddy!!  He toes off his sneakers and climbs under the soft down comforter and is happily out in mere seconds.

 

When he awakes sometime later he's really got to wee so he hops out of bed in search of the loo. Directly across the hall is a door that could be it but as he grabs for the knob he notices the sound of running water and freezes, momentss later a voice drifts from the crack beneath the door:

 

"Tell me with your mind body and spirit, I can make your tears fall down like the showers that are British whether we're together or apart we can both remove the masks and admit we regret it from the start." It's a light, airy voice that reminds Niall of a young boy, a voice that isn't 100% sure of its own ability but makes up for it with passion. It’s not horrible but he doesn’t fancy entering and hearing it at full max so releasing the doorknob he continues down the hall to the next door.

 

"I know you never loved the crinkles by your eyes when you smile you've never loved your stomach or your thighs, the dimples in your back at the bottom of your spine but I’ll love you endlessly" Niall could tell this second voice was much stronger and versatile but he couldn't help but think this voice was no more sure of itself, evident by the way the singer seemed to push himself and over sang a bit probably to compensate for the singers self doubt. Niall thought about entering if only to assure this bloke that he _was_ good enough and didn’t need to try to do any kind of vocal acrobatics and strain himself to prove it but then  a voice one door down found his ears and he couldn’t help but follow it.

 

"Do you remember summer 09 wanna go back there every night just can’t lie was the best night of my life, lying on the beach as the sun blew out playing this guitar by the fire too loud oh my my they can never shut us down.” Now this voice was rather nice, soothing even and Niall couldn't help but rock with its mellow tones thinking this had to be the owner of the water bed and those bloody candles, the rough rasp coupled with the gentle riffs was a beautiful contrast and Niall wouldn't have minded listening to more but just as he was about to open the door and peer inside the song cut off and a loud brash voice cried out:

 

 "At the end of the day!" In the weirdest voice Niall had ever heard, it almost sounded like something you'd hear coming out of a puppet’s mouth on Sesame Street or summat. Needless to say he did not open the door and instead hurried to the last door of the hall.

 

This bathroom was quiet save for the running of the shower and Niall wondered if maybe the last boy was possibly tone deaf or something but just as he thought this the most heavenly voice drifted out to him and he nearly sighed in pleasure

 

“I wanna be last yeah, baby let me be your last, your last first kiss.” Then the mystery singer did a dirty thing and hit this glorious high note at the very end of the song, holding it for what seemed like eternity, Niall scrambled to twist the door open and enter if nothing else but for his bladder’s sake. He whipped himself out just in time not to piss himself and let out a long involuntary moan.

 

Just as he was finishing up, shaking himself off the shower curtain was suddenly dragged aside to reveal startled toffee colored eyes and a scrunched up nose as the mystery boy grinned out at him.

 

"Nialler, you're home." This boy, no man was gorgeous and the way he was looking at Niall made him squirm slightly because it was so _familiar_ and there was just so much love shone in those warm eyes and it just didn’t make any sense, how did this boy even know his name?

 

"Erm yes?" The darker boy with soft eyes Niall felt he could drown in licked a few droplets of water off his upper lip before speaking:

 

"How was Ireland, hope you gave Theo a kiss on the head from his uncle Zee." and oh, why did that sound so familiar? _Uncle Zee_ , really familiar and that’s when he remembered the Irish flag above the bed in the last room, the guitar sat in the corner on its stand, the hat rack beside the skateboards on the wall filled with an assortment of snapbacks not to mention the row of pristine looking Supras lining the wall just by the door. He knew that room too, knew those things and not just from sleeping there that afternoon. Those were _his_ things, that was _his_ room the room he shared with…

 

"Zayn" he whispered with a soft smile.

 

Saying his boyfriend’s name was like flipping the light on in a pitch black room and suddenly he could remember it all. Remembered slipping his cab driver an extra twenty to drive like his life depended on it, remembered grabbing up his bags and nearly sprinting from the taxi in a hurry to see Zayn after nearly a month apart and also remembered his foot hitting the black ice halfway up the driveway, remembered watching his feet come up over his head as he fell flat on his back, hitting his head and arse _hard_ before everything went dark. Niall brought a hand back to rub at his still tender bum.

 

“Babe are you wearing my power ranger morph suit?” Zayn asked, his words coming out a bit muffled now that his head was back inside the shower, but Niall could still hear the amusement in his tone. Looking down at himself he couldn’t help but blush.

 

“Oh uh, yeah…kind of took a nap in it actually.” Zayn’s deep chuckles vibrated off of the titled walls of the bathroom.

 

“God you’re adorable and I really missed you.”

 

“I missed you too Zee, it’s so good to be home.” While Zayn continued to chuckle from behind the curtain Niall made quick work of stripping himself of that damn morph suit.

 

“Really now and just what did you miss most ya reckon?” The curtain was slowly pulled aside enough for the blonde to fit himself in behind the taller boy, pale skinny arms coming up to wrap themselves around him from behind. The darker boy leaned back into his embrace sighing out contentedly when Niall hooked his chin over Zayn’s shoulder, planting a quick kiss on the side of his neck before whispering into his ear.

 

“I’m looking at him.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you actually made it through the entire story um, thank you and sorry for the suck and for being weird <3 Jen


End file.
